Worst party ever

Alternative title: reason 8,758,568 why I fucking hate religion.

It's the dawn of the 90s and I'm a fresh face at uni. I meet an overseas student called Edmund. He's in one of my English tutorial groups and seems pretty friendly. When he invites me to a party on a Friday night at something called the Celtic Club in the city centre, I say yes. Yes! My first uni bash! I'm stoked because I've heard university parties really go off - I'm ready to get amongst it!

Party!

Friday night comes around. Woohoo! I get on the bus and go to the city. I find the Celtic Club. I'm ready to rock, baby!

But wait... how come there's no bouncer at the door? That's weird. There's a decent crowd inside, so surely that's a good sign? Everyone's playing limbo, though, which seems a little bit strange. And there's not a drop of booze in sight. I'm a little bit wary. I mean, it's Australia... and we've got uni undergrads... at a dry Irish club... playing limbo? Yeah, really doesn't add up. I start asking myself dumb questions, like 'Did I get the right bus?' and 'Have I somehow arrived in a parallel universe?' But I choose not to think about it too much, and just go with the flow and crack open a can of Fanta.

Edmund finds me and introduces me to some people. Everyone is very friendly. Actually, they're little bit too friendly. You might even say they're suspiciously friendly. In fact, these folks are lovebombing me so much I'm not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out. Ultimately I decide the feelings aren't mutually exclusive. One guy in particular is a very close talker and I'm starting to wonder if he isn't trying to pick me up. Thankfully he doesn't make a move. After some very awkward hours, the party ends and I go home.

Church?

A week or so later, I see Edmund at uni again. He asks if I want to meet some people after our tute. I'd rather eat my own vomit, but I say OK because I don't want to seem rude. He takes me to what turns out to be a church service, only it's in a building on campus instead of in a proper church. There's a sermon, though, complete with people jumping around and yelling stuff like “Amen! Preach it, brother!” and “Bring it home! Bring it home, brother!” Everyone's singing their hearts out and swaying around. I can’t sing for shit and I despise OTT religious stuff; I find it all extremely repulsive. But like they did at the party, people are lavishing me with attention. It's weird. And I'm invited to a rugby training session...

Sport?

I show up to rugby training. Everyone praises my skills and physique - more lovebombing. It rings hollow because I'm neither co-ordinated nor fit.

Party!

Another week or two later, Edmund invites me to another party. I really don't want to go, but for some reason I accept. Why can't I seem to say no to people?

The party is held in a flat in the suburbs, and again there's no alcohol. I had predicted this, which is why I rocked up bearing a six-pack of Coke. What I hadn’t predicted is that the high point of the party would be participating in a Bible reading. It's only my second university party and I'm already beginning to think the whole scene's a bit overrated. Why can't it be like in the movies where everyone's drinking out of red cups and all the girls are topless? I think I'd rather go to that sort of party...

Anyway, about the Bible reading. I'm asked to read a passage and answer some questions about it. I give it a red-hot go, but I find religious texts utterly incomprehensible. They don't speak to me or move me in any way. I just couldn't give a toss about them, and I find it difficult to pretend otherwise. So I say to these folks that I just don't care about their bible stuff.

The shindig drags on. Someone's going around collecting money, and partygoers are forking out serious amounts of cash. I don't know what it's about. At least I'm not expected to contribute (and being of mixed Scotch/Dutch parentage I'm not exactly reaching for my wallet, lol). As I'm pondering it all, the close-talking guy from the first party corners me and sings me a love song. He says that he wrote it himself. It's genuinely awful. I worry that I might be the target audience, so when he says it's for his girlfriend I feel very, very relieved. And then he casually mentions that he's planning to serenade her, after which he'll ask her to marry him. I start feeling sorry for her, and then he adds something about needing the permission of the church elders first. I'm wondering if I'm mistaken or did I really just hear this dude use the words "church elders" in a sentence. What the fuck? I mean, the words "church" and "elders" are scary enough individually, but as a phrase they’re nothing short of terrifying. And he needs the permission of these people to marry?

Fuuuuuuck.

And in that moment, despite the myriad clues I've been given so far, the penny finally drops.


Religious Nutbaggery 101 - Final Exam

Part A

Question 1

What are some dead giveaways you're becoming entangled with a weirdo religious cult? (Highlight the correct answer/s):


a) parties featuring readings of religious texts

b) parties featuring tithing

c) parties featuring no booze

d) parties featuring limbo

e) lovebombers

f) boisterous religious services

g) the presence of controlling church elders

h) all of the above ✔


So I take stock of my situation. I ask myself if I want to get tangled up with batshit insane cultists or not. Funnily enough, the answer is no. The answer should always be no - fuck, no!

I avoid Edmund until eventually he gets the hint that maybe I don't want to be friends with him anymore.